Daring Monday: Find Your Voice – A Confession
Two weeks ago when I posted about my emotional reaction to the Fire Starter Sessions (which I am slowly plugging away through and “delving” into (thanks Danielle) – with only one other freak out so far) BlissChick and I began an off blog conversation which eventually led to her pointing out that the things I was talking about in my email were not ideas (or aspects of myself) that were readily visible on my blog. Even though I’ve been working hard – and taking some very brave steps – when it comes to being open and pulling down my masks I’m still reluctant to throw myself all the way out there, and that reluctance is keeping me from getting in touch with my true voice.
It’s like I have dual personalities. The things I think about, journal about, and talk Wakizashi’s ears off about are pretty much never put live here – maybe 10% of them see the light of your screen. Why is that?
I’ve been pondering this ever since Bliss pointed it out; I’ve been trying to work out what changes need to be made to the blog and my posts and trying to decide what I’m missing, or why I’ve been ignoring such a huge portion of my life when it comes to my public face. (This pondering, combined with my WAY over committed last two weeks is why you haven’t seen anything but Daring Mondays for a while.)
Walls Accomplish Things
I’ve come to two conclusions. First, I’m afraid you’ll reject me; that you won’t approve of the path I’m following and will make judgements about me. Even though I’ve never suited the status quo (or really fit in in anyway) I seem to have this obsessive need that my public face at least look like I’m normal and together. I don’t want you to mistake me for Woo Woo and write me off before you have the chance to realize I’m not.
Not only that, but you (all you lovely strange and distant friends) aren’t the only people who read my blog. Old friends and family read this too and (as much as Wakizashi is cheering for it – can you say “Passing the Buck”) I don’t really want to be the one who makes the crap hit the fan; I’m afraid of having to explain myself, reassure people, or any of the above listed issues. (So what, instead I’ll just stuff a bit of myself down and see how long it takes for that to wear me out??)
Second, I’m not really positive you’re interested. Why is that? I don’t know. I just seem to have decided that my thought process are a little out there and who the hack wants to hear the random ramblings of a heretical thinker anyway? (Right Carlos, I know you have something to say on this point!)
Of course, then I lament that I don’t know how to find my peeps; of course I don’t, how can my peeps find me if they don’t know who I am or what I’m talking about. Dang it, how can people find me if I don’t know what I’m talking about or doing? (Honestly, Megan, be logical here!)
Being Real All-the-Way
Finding my real voice means being all the way real. It means risking that a whole bunch of you are going to decide that I’m Woo Woo or a little out there (ok, I’ll be the first to admit that I walk the edge, but I’m all about bringing things from the edge back into real life!). Finding my voice is going to mean that some of you may up and leave (but hey, more of you may suddenly show up), and it is going to mean having to explain myself to at least one person I love.
But, it also means that I no longer have to worry about maintaining this wall that divides Public Megan from Real, All-the-Way Megan (imagine the energy that will save), it means I’ll find my real peeps and (hopefully) a whole bunch of like-minded folks to chat with. It means I’ll be wading all the way into my calling and my passion, and, I suspect, it means that all those things I’ve been trying to figure out how to get to are going to suddenly fling themselves into my life.
What would finding your true voice mean for you?
I’ve decided that the easiest way to do this is going to be to just jump in, to take the Dare of being All-The-Way Myself all at once and just let the piece fall where they may. (I’m starting to seriously suspect that this might be the point that my Daring year was intended to push me into all along.)
What I’m Up to Right Now
I know you know a bit about my religious journey, but I’ve never been truly clear on where I am or what I’m doing. I’ve been crazy busy lately and I think telling you a bit about what I’m doing (and where I see myself going) will be the perfect way to jump off that cliff.
Did you know that I wanted to be a minister? When I graduated high school I spent hours pouring over the Pentecostal Bible College catalog; I wanted to go so badly, but in the end I wasn’t sure what they’d think of a single, high school graduate with a three year old and never submitted my application. Still, the roles that we associate with clergy seem to find natural expression in my own life.
I’m sure I’ve mentioned that I’m in the process of getting my Masters in Metaphysical Sciences; I’m plugging away (or working really hard at avoiding, depending on the day) at my Thesis over here. I finished my BA there last summer, and plan to do my Doctorate next. Masters level though will officially ordain me within the Church of Metaphysical Sciences. This means that by the end of the year I’ll be legally able to marry people, perform ceremonies of all kinds, and do spiritual counselling (as opposed to just Life Coaching), if I so choose. They are a pretty loose church, organizationally speaking, so that’s pretty much where that ordination will take me.
I’m currently in the midst of an 8-week course on Western Astrology; I’ve never been a big proponent of Western Astrology – I just don’t find that Virgo is a good descriptor of who I am. But, I am a huge believer in Eastern Astrology, you want to know a bit about me look up a Fire Snake description and there you go, that’s me. I, in fact, use the eastern version for a Personality Profile system that I designed and thought maybe I should get the full details on the Western one before I made any rash judgements. Hence the course. (Plus, Wakizashi assigned me a set amount of money each month for courses etc… and I’m eager to spend it all!)
Some time ago I came across the Re-Formed Congregation of the Goddess International Church (ironically, while I was researching courses and lessons) and found myself resonating with them. They reflect the Female Spirituality I find myself plunging headlong into and when I read their Affirmation of Women’s Spirituality I knew I’d found a place where I would fit in. I joined them right away, but I didn’t sign up for their study program (through the Women’s Thealogical Institute) until April (again, using my Wakizashi designated study money, gotta love my Wakizashi man). I’m currently in their Cella program and it is my intent to follow through to ordination with them. They are an (more) organized church and they do have an international congregation they serve – which means I’ll have a structure behind me as I work. Not to mention, the more I learn about Her the more I know I’m called to serve the Goddess (which is not really different than serving God, just approached from a different angle).
This week (tomorrow, in fact), I begin teaching a beginners class for reading Tarot. I’ve been studying the Tarot (on the sly) for a few years now. Within the Pentecostal church it is openly accepted that God still grants spiritual gifts today, and I was (am? how would you say that?) considered prophetic. I had an uncanny knack, when praying for people, to tap into something in them and start spouting Truths about them and their lives. Outside of the church, I had no idea how to tap into or use that gift (I only used it when praying for others at an altar before) – I didn’t know how to flip the switch. Yet, I felt a driving need to stop ignoring it and learn to master it, that’s how I came upon the Tarot. They acted like the switch and taught me how to reconnect to my innate ability to read people’s hearts.
Turns out, they are the perfect tool for me – though other symbolic systems like Runes work just as well too – and I love serving people this way. I’m a firm believer that we are all given our gifts for a reason; what’s the point of being great with cars but never fixing anyone else’s because it’s kind of taboo to do so? I decided to offer the Tarot course locally when I noted that our Parks and Rec program didn’t have one, and since then I’ve felt myself being pushed in that direction.
“Time to do this work, time to share your gift,” I hear the Limitless Divine telling me – though I’ve been dragging my heels the whole way. (Talk about controversy with friends and family, suddenly I’m a working Psychic and Tarot Reader!! How far from Christian sensibilities can you get?) Still, I can’t ignore the guidance of my soul; far be it for me to be the one who ignores God’s guidance (She’s never steered me wrong yet, so why stop trusting now). This is one of the things you’ll find coming out on my blog as I begin to finally walk in my own voice. Because of this guidance I also applied to Ocean Interfaith Seminary for their Divination certificate (and while I’m there am working on the Goddess Thealogy degree).
I also take a few classes online at Magical Circle School (if you are interested in Pagan subjects this is a great little school and it’s free – always good) – and am currently teaching one there too. Though until now I’ve been dabbling in all kinds of Paths and learning where ever I am placed, lately I feel the call and appeal of the Pagan path and have felt that it’s time for me to place myself somewhere for a while. I love the feeling saying I’m a Witch gives me inside (it feels just so… true), but wouldn’t say I’m Wiccan (too much organized religion for me) and have pretty much settled on being a Pagan with Christian Roots (as I commented at Anchors and Masts earlier today).
So, there you are. No masks, walls, or watering down for fear of offending. That’s me, where I am and what I’ve been doing. Where I’m going is clearly a path of Ministry within a Goddess path and it’s about dang time that this blog read a little more like my mind and my journal and less like what my head thinks a “proper” life coaches blog should look like.
If we want to find our Path in life we are going to have to be brave enough to stand in our True Voice too!