Daring Mondays: What Are You Really Afraid Of?

I believe the most important single thing, beyond discipline and creativity is daring to dare – Maya Angelou

What are you afraid of? Honestly? If there’s something you want in life – dream of even – and still find yourself not moving forward at all (possibly frozen in place) then there’s a pretty darn good chance that it’s because you are afraid of something.

I have spent a few years trying to work out what I’m afraid of (as I’ve clearly spent some time frozen in fear). At first I was convinced that I was afraid of failing.

Fear of Failure

I think that’s our first and automatic assumption. I mean, if I’m not moving forward then it must be because I’m scared I might land flat on my face. It’s logical, it’s reasonable, it is, in fact, a little comforting.

Well that’s ok, it’s just because I’m afraid of failing. Who isn’t afraid of failing?

Right?

Actually, wrong. Now, let’s be clear, I don’t like failing. In fact, I absolutely hate to fail. Seeing things begin to go wrong even while my hands are in the midst of it is frustrating beyond all belief to me. If I fail too often in a row I’ll just get angry and give up (because honestly, there’s only so much failing one person can take at a time). But I’m not actually afraid of it.

I know this because of board games. I never win at board games – ever. I don’t win at card games, at chess, or at video games either. (Though as more right-brained games have come out – like Cranium – my success rate has improved.) This is a fact of life for me. So, you’d think then that I’d never (willingly) participate in these things, but that’s not true. I like people, I especially like interacting with people, and games are a great way to do so. I will happily throw myself into an evening of playing knowing I’m probably going to fail for the next few hours (aka lose) and not even bat an eye. Failing, for me, can sometimes be a fair trade off for other benefits, like fun.

Then I noticed something sneaky. Sometimes I’d set myself up to fail. I’d launch something in just such a way that it couldn’t possibly succeed. Which is when I started to suspect that what I must really be afraid of is success!

Fear of Success

If fear of failure is our first logical leap, then fear of success is always the second. I mean, if you aren’t afraid to screw something up, but you aren’t moving, then it only makes sense that you must be afraid to do the something right. Right?

This one seemed like it was going to work for me for awhile, I mean, I hadn’t actually seen any big successes so far, so it was definitely supportable. Plus, being afraid of success implies a certain amount of humility which fed my proper Christian sensibilities. Oh, see how humble I am. I’m so humble I’m afraid to succeed. (Pats on backs ensue.)

But, you know, over time I had to accept that that doesn’t really make sense either. Because, it seemed to me that the real reason I hadn’t seen any big successes was that I hadn’t had the opportunity for big ones. I had though, seen my share of small and cumulative successes. (And any business great will tell you that most big things are, in fact, built on the small and cumulative.)

And besides, I really wanted to succeed. I really, really do!

I really, really, really do. (I may have trouble believing I can but that doesn’t prevent me from wanting it.)

What I’m Really Afraid Of

So, for a long time I’ve flipped and flopped between these two options: failure, success. Convinced my fear had to be rooted in one or the other; otherwise, what was my damn problem?

Over the last few months I’ve been pushed face to face with one undeniable fact over and over again, until I was forced to accept that this is what I was afraid of. I’m afraid of being rejected!

I want to be liked by you. I really, really want to be liked by you (I have all kinds of sympathy for Sally Fields).

I’m only afraid of failure in so far as it comes about when nobody picks me. And my only fear of success is that I’ll be rejected and will never see the thing. (Which is a revelation along the lines of something like: we each allow, or create, the successes of those around us… hmmm.)

I set myself up for failure because the little, half-butt attempts meant less people saw it, therefore less people had the opportunity to reject it.

I stay where I am because I’m too bloody scared that you won’t like me to put myself out there. I have an aching need to be accepted and wanted by others – something my life-long experiences have set me up for – and therefore an overwhelming fear of not being good enough, and not being wanted. And this fear of rejection has held me captive in it’s grip for years now.

They say that the first step of setting yourself free from any demon is that of recognition, of naming. That in actually seeing the thing for what it is we can finally choose to move beyond it. I’ve been slowly pushing past my personal fear all month with my Daring confessions, and last week with my 10 for $25 Challenge (hey, only 4 done, I still need 6 to hit my goal!). But, all that is minimal compared to facing, confessing and then choosing to ignore, that one thing that I’m really afraid of. After all, those are only more of those small and cumulative successes, while finally being able to see and admit my Fear of Rejection may just be on the scale of the “Pretty Darn Big” success rating.

And hey, now that we are half way through the Daring Year, remember, it’s not what we dare to do, it’s merely that we are willing to dare at all. (Wise woman that Maya Angelou!)

What are you really afraid of?